Late at night, we are normally deep in sleep and dreaming away. But sometimes, once in a while, I cant seem to fall asleep and instead I stay up…unable to just fall asleep.
It’s not that I am a troubled soul, but just that sometimes there are weights I feel or thoughts that cross my mind or ideas that I wonder about. Often, these are the kinda things that I can’t quite account for in a conversation or when someone asks what I am thinking about. But they are there. And they return from time or time sit in the back of my mind continually waiting for their moment.
What I’m thinking those days I can’t seem to fall asleep? I’m 33, near the age where my dad and his twin began having seizures and I lay up at night thinking…will I have them? Will they affect me the same way? Will it skip me and go to Ryan? I think about the helplessness of watching seizures like I saw in my dad, and feel the helplessness of parents who watch their children seize and can only sit clinging to their child’s hand, speaking love to them in their distant state. I think about seizures in general and how they would find me without warning of course. Just like they did my dad and many children I’ve seen.
What I’m thinking those days I can’t seem to fall asleep? I think about failure. I can’t help but be filled on those nights with what I could do better and how I haven’t done better. I think about how I fail my wife, fail to talk to her enthusiastically or how I fail to touch her with hugs and kisses so regularly or how I fail to think of her as wife and more as mother. I think of how I failed to forgive her at times. I often will feel like a failed husband.
What I’m thinking those days I can’t seem to fall asleep? I find myself awake with anger, anger that I haven’t expressed because I am afraid to express any disappointment or hurt. Frustration with a colleague, frustration with someone’s hurtful words, frustration with my wife for she’s intense or how she parents, frustration at myself. So I hold it and stay up wondering how to process it.
What I’m thinking those days I can’t seem to fall asleep? I’m thinking about my dreams. Dreams of visiting national parks or kayaking or moving to California to be with family.
What I’m thinking those days I can’t seem to fall asleep? I’m thinking about how I have spent all of my emotional energy becoming a chaplain and being a chaplain…and how I often don’t “know” my own desires, feelings, and self. I think about who I am and what I want to do and how I could do those things.
But you know what? When I am staying up late thinking these things, draining night to day…
I am glad to be next to Elana. I need her there as a reflection of Gods presence.